Mother and Son
by Sumeragi Sui
Summary: [Complete] The love of a mother runs deep; the untold story of the details of Sakurazuka Setsuka and her relationship with her son.
1. Mother

**Mother and Son**

[Sumeragi] Sui

...

Warnings: Incest. ^-^ S/S, but this time it stands for Setsuka/Seishirou. It's hinted at, I think. Nothing big… yet, I guess ^-^; Mostly the incest is just in Setsuka's thoughts. *nod* Oh, and… Perhaps a bit of boylove too… _perhaps_. ^^;

Disclaimers: The Sakurazukas, Tokyo Babylon, and X don't belong to me, but to CLAMP. ^-^ And the song "Far Away" is copyright Hamasaki Ayumi. ^-^ All other stuff [ending poem] is by me ^^;

Other Notes: ^-^; Just was cruising around a TB site and got inspiration. I needed to write something incestuous anyway *sweatdrop* Again, it's like a compilation of thoughts [again; like ALAH]… at first. ^^; *sweatdrop* but then it turns into this whole mixture of fanfic, songfic, thoughts, POV fic, whatever. ^-^; But enjoy, though!

And More Misc. Notes [P.(re)S.]: I'm not really sure about the true premise of Setsuka and Seishirou's relationship, so forgive me if I sort of weave white lies because there's not much info in the books anyway about their relationship x_x;

_Farewell…_

_Mother._

* * *

_Sakurazuka Seishirou…_

My dear son, who was torn away from me once he had been born… Kami-sama… why have you taken him away from me? I am but the Sakurazukamori… is being that, an assassin, a _bad_ onmyouji… is that enough to give me such punishment? To make me… _love?_

I don't remember what had happened. I don't even remember if I cried when my only child was taken from me. But… since then, I had felt. Felt feelings. As the Sakurazukamori… am I supposed to feel this? I was—_am_—supposed to be devoid of these. These… _emotions_. These things other human beings have, that I'm not supposed to have, that…

Perhaps I shall. Perhaps it is possible. Perhaps it is _not_ a sin, to do this, to love.

But… can I truly be satisfied with this, just _motherly_ love? Can I? Will that be possible, too, just like it will—is—possible for me to love? But… is it wrong? Is it _wrong_, to love your child so strongly it doesn't seem just motherly anymore? Is it so _wrong_?

I do not know yet…

All my life… all my life, I believed, as others before me… that I indeed would be devoid of emotions, completely devoid… but perhaps him, my child, can prove me wrong… and those before me also…

- - - - -

_Atarashiku watashi rashiku anata rashiku… [Newly, like myself, like yourself…]_

* * *

He… he is nine years old now. Nine years old… my precious child. Dearest. _My Seishirou._

They said I can see him again. They told me I could… I had been so happy to hear that news, I was crying, crying… tears of joy. For I had not been able to love, never, until the moment I had gave birth to my child… never ever…

My love was so strong, it had kept me alive until I could see him again…

I wondered. Wondered if he would love me back, if not in a childish, obedient way, but one of something more. I wondered.

I wondered if he was well. How he had grown, what he looked like, if he had any friends. Perhaps… Perhaps this boy would succeed me as the Sakurazukamori. Perhaps. Perhaps I should ask him to kill me; for the most beautiful thing in this vast, cold world is nothing but being able to be killed at the hands of the one you love the most.

For love itself is not beautiful, it is but a mutilated thing… but alas… being killed by Seishirou… the one I love the most, the one that taught me to love… shall be my Wish.

- - - - -

_Atarashiku watashi rashiku anata rashiku [Newly, like myself, like yourself]_

_Umare kawaru... [We'll be reborn…]_

_Shiawase wa kuchi ni sureba hora yubi no sukima [Happiness has no shape, the minute you speak of it]_

_Kobore ochite yuku katachi nai mono [It falls through the cracks of our fingers]_

* * *

Naivete.

Pure, sweet naivete.

I realize I could not have expected a child to understand such strong feelings as my love for him. For I questioned him shortly after I saw him again; "Why do you love me?" The sweet, innocent child responded thus…

_"Because… You are beautiful."_

While this was touching and almost gentle at the time, it seemed to me that his love for me was only superficial.

For when we had finally reunited, he barely held the belief I was his mother. Perhaps, to him, I was but a stranger, an odd woman that he had just met. This realization was fiercely painful… but he'd smiled, smiled and said rather contently, "You're too young to be my mother." I returned this proclamation with a gentle smile, but inside there was hurt, pain. He could not even recognize his own mother…

I later requested for him to kiss me. He did so willingly, almost obediently, like a servant to his master. Uncannily obedient. It seemed as if he harbored no true feelings toward me but those of a dutiful son, wishing to fulfill the small demands of his mother.

A child. He is but a child, still. Only a child. But perhaps time shall pass, and the true answer to my question… will be answered, not by a child, but by him, the man whose hands I shall die at.

- - - - -

_Mou sugu de natsu ga kuru yo [Soon summer will be here]_

_Anata nashi no... [Without you…]_

* * *

Do the gods taunt me again? For the only reason, as he has repeated so many times, that Seishirou loves me… is for my supposed "beauty"…

Each day I wait, and each day I ask, desiring a different result, a different answer every day. And each day it seems more and more hopeless, more and more pointless… Seishirou… my child… he refuses to see me as anything more than a guardian… a motherly figure towards him…but I am… but can I be satisfied this way?

Still a child… every day seems to be less and less meaningful… every kill for my beloved sakura tree… seems irrelevant, senseless, hollow. Meaningless… if it is without love from Seishirou…

Perhaps someone, some day… the one he loves… shall also face this treatment… The pain of waiting, the pain of anticipation, for a single answer which is unpredictable… the pain of it all…

But perhaps that person shall find his answer eventually… their Wish fulfilled, their life happy, content, complete…

As for me…

The answer has not yet been determined… but this feeling, this odd feeling I have… My heart… I think… knows the true answer…

_"Because… You are beautiful."_

- - - - -

_Atarashiku watashi rashiku anata rashiku_

_Umare kawaru…_

_Shiawase wa kuchi ni sureba hora yubi no sukima_

_Kobore ochite yuku katachi nai mono_

* * *

_Happiness. Fulfillment. And then, nothingness._

[A/N: This is just what happened in the character file in X/16, just written out in "novel" form and reworded slightly differently. ^-^]

Sakurazuka Setsuka lay over the body of her victim, barely smiling as she stared at her bloodstained hands. She continued to scrutinize them with a blank expression on her face until she heard someone enter her home. Almost robotically, she gave one last corrupt look at the body of the corpse, smiling slightly, and stood up. The blood on her hands stayed, the body dissolving into sakura petals as she saw her son.

"Seishirou," she greeted softly, her expression not showing the thrilled feeling she had inside at the sight of her beloved son.

Seishirou stayed expressionless. "Welcome home, mother."

Affectionately hugging her son, Setsuka whispered, "Seishirou, I am back." Her son appeared delicate and soft as she kissed his cheek tenderly.

"You went to work…"

"Yes…" Setsuka replied gently. She concealed a slight smile.

Seishirou glanced at the trail of blood on the ground. "The blood…?"

Another smile. "The blood of the one I murdered, yes…"

Glancing at the blood again, he asked, "Are you hurt?" Setsuka gave another smile.

"You think I would get hurt…?" Setsuka answered in a soft, wispy voice.

Seishirou paused for a moment. Eventually, he managed to reply, "You're the only Sakurazukamori… in terms of spells, you cannot be beaten… however… If you stay in such a place as this, you will get sick."

Dreamily, Setsuka barely enjoyed the slight worry her son harbored for her. It wasn't enough, never enough. Her whimsical expression stayed. There was another small pause. "Even if I get sick… that's… not important." She ignored Seishirou's reply, which was scarcely audible to Setsuka, whose mind was elsewhere. She gently picked up a sakura flower and examined it with moderate interest. "So… The person I killed today… was my last victim." She smiled. "At the same time… it is your first day killing someone… This day, the day that you shall kill me to become the Sakurazukamori."

As she smiled, she said softly, "I am so happy… to be killed by you."

Seishirou's expression was one of moderate surprise and mild amusement. "Really…?"

"…Yes." She paused, looking content. "There is nothing that comes with more happiness… than being able to be killed… by the one you love..." Setsuka glanced at Seishirou fondly.

"…Do you love me?"

_A stupid question. …Of course…_

"I love you… the most." She looked at him with an almost agonizing longing.

"I love you too… _mother_…"

"However…" Setsuka looked pained. "The one you love most… is not me." Another pregnant pause followed these words, words that seemed forced, nearly hurtful. "Kill me… Seishirou!"

Seishirou smiled. "As you wish…" He raised his arm and stabbed his hand through his mother's chest…

Setsuka, through breaths, managed to force herself to speak. "Now _you_… are the Sakurazukamori. The next Sakurazukamori… will be the one who… kills… _you_…"

Smiling again, Seishirou looked thoughtful. "So, I shall be killed as well…?" He looked slightly amused.

"Yes… by the one… you love the most…" Setsuka seemed to appear pained again as she said these words.

Seishirou kissed his mother's hand and murmured, "I am not capable to love others… Mother, you… who gave birth to me… should know that better than anyone else. The past Sakurazukamori…"

Setsuka's small lips curled into another smile, one that she refused to conceal. "Yes… Before, I had thought so too…" Her eyes closed gently, her expression staying. "Until… _I met you…_"

Seishirou appeared mildly amused once more as Setsuka said her last words. He kissed her gently on the lips and whispered, "Sayonara…_ okasan._"

- - - - -

_Mou sugu de natsu ga kuru yo_

_Anata nashi no..._

* * *

_…this sadness… cannot be expressed… by tears…_

~

_if i died for you  
will you live for me?  
will you survive for me?  
will you stay alive for me?  
will you keep on living for me?  
  
if i stayed alive for you  
will you come back?  
or will you stay the way you are  
for eternity  
  
if i died for you  
will you keep on hurting  
in this miserable life  
for me?_ __

A/N: *sweatdrop* How was it? I was going to write another part for Seishirou's POV, but now that I'm done with Setsuka's, I don't think it's necessary, hm? It really depends on what you guys think ^-^; So, please R & R! ^^; ~Sui-chan.


	2. Son

**. . . ** ** + S O N + ** ** . . .**

Warnings: Suggested/mild incest. _Spoilers_ to X/16 and a little shounen-ai.

Disclaimer: Tokyo Babylon, X, and characters are all copyright CLAMP ^_^

Notes: Yes, the continuation of "Mother and Son" has been written. =) Originally, after I'd written "Mother", I'd decided against writing the second part and making it a one-shot, but as I thought about it, I think it'd be sort of incomplete without Seishirou's point of view. Haha, young Sei-chan sounds so naïve! ^_^;; So… please enjoy :D It has bits of the infamous Rainbow Bridge scene at the end. ^-^

- - - - -

_Goodbye…_

_Seishirou._

* * *

The people who've been helping me with my training to be the Sakurazukamori when I'm older… they said that I can see my mother sometime soon.  I haven't seen her since I was born, and it's been nine years since then… but sometimes, sometimes at night… I get lonely… I think.  Or it might be just a trick.  I'm not supposed to have emotions… I think.

The people told me that the Sakurazukamori should be devoid of feelings, empty of that one thing in their life that all other humans have.  I didn't really understand it then, but sometimes when I smile I feel like I'm not truly happy.  And sometimes when I cry I feel like I'm not truly sad, either.  Maybe that's what they meant.

I never really missed my mother because she was never there in the first place.  I don't think I should resent her for that, it's not her fault, is it?  They told me that they took me away right after I was born.

They also told me about how, when I'm older, I'm going to become the "guardian of the sakura burial mound", whatever that is.  I think it's the huge sakura tree in Ueno park, but maybe it's every sakura tree there ever is.  I'll have to kill people for my tree.  I don't really know what they mean at this point, but maybe when I'm older and big and strong I can help the tree.  They say the tree is always hungry.  Perhaps I'm supposed to feed it…?

The people who took care of me say they like me a lot and don't want to have to give me up to my mother, but it's only fair since she had to give me up to them.  I don't really know what "liking" people means, and I don't think I'm even supposed to understand… I think "liking" counts as an emotion, and I'm not supposed to have those.

Sometimes I lie awake at night and wonder if I really am as "normal" as I think…

* * *

My mother is so beautiful, and she looks so young!  I couldn't believe she was my mother when I first saw her, she's so small and pretty…

When I first looked at her, she smiled and hugged me and muttered in relief, "Seishirou… I finally see you again…"  I felt something wet on my cheek, and I realized she was crying.  But isn't it bad for her to cry?  She's the current Sakurazukamori, isn't she?  She shouldn't cry… for her own sake… for her own nonexistent emotions.

"You're too young to be my mother!" I chirped cheerfully, and she looked a bit saddened by that.  I don't know why, the people taught me that women love to be told that they're young!  Maybe my mother is a little different… after all, she is the Sakurazukamori!

A few days ago while embracing me gently, she asked me softly… "Why do you love me, Seishirou-chan?"  I smiled widely and looked up at her happily and told her it was because she was _so _beautiful!  I giggled when she tickled me in return, but she still looked sad, and I didn't want her to cry again.  She asked me to kiss her, so I giggled again and did, so she would know I was an obedient son and that she shouldn't cry because I was a good child!  But she looked even more sorrowful, and I pouted and hugged her so she could be a good Sakurazukamori and not have feelings like sadness, and I said so.  She smiled at me and told me not to worry and that everything was fine, so I believed her.  Then I had to go to my training again, so I left her there and waved as I left.

I didn't notice that she'd started crying again at my departure…

* * *

When I was a child, merely at the age of nine or so, I first cast eyes upon my mother and only noticed her beauty and youthful appearance.  As I grew older, her beauty was one of the only reasons why I loved her, and I told her so, unaware that she'd been paining inside.

She didn't realize that I'd eventually recognized the rather obvious fact she thought of me as more than a son.  Days passed and I feigned ignorance, because I knew that was for her own wishes.  She'd smile sadly at me, and no longer would I try to cheer her up so that my "mommy would be a good Sakurazukamori".  I understood the fact that she loved me more than anything in the world, and that she'd broken the rule of not feeling emotions.

And I also admitted it to myself, unashamed that my mother had thought of me as not just a son but in an almost disturbingly incestuous way.  But I would refuse myself the bitter, cold satisfaction of breaking it to her that I didn't truly love her at all, I didn't love _her_, but rather I slightly admired her for her radiance and beauty, but nothing more.  Somehow, I still had the heart to conceal those thoughts away from her, for she was still my mother, and the only person I thought of an actual human being, rather than an object.

But soon will come the time when she will request for me to kill her so I could triumphantly become her successor.  And I shall do so gladly, for I feel next to nothing for the woman, except for false adoration and obedient "love".

She knows.  She knows I do not really "love" her, she knows how hard I try to pretend, how much I try to please her just to act out the usual role of successfully disciplined son.  She knows she can never be anything more than a parent to me, yet she still tries, yet she still continues feeling the way she does.

Sometimes this glaring consistency sickens me.  And the fact that I cannot feel the same way toward her, or anything or anyone else in this world, gives me the satisfaction and contentment nothing else can.  That single fact is the only thing I love, and it is a fact about myself.

The fact that I can promise myself not to do something as useless as "loving" someone… and especially not my mother, in any other sense but sonly.

* * *

The time had come, and mother had finally allowed me the sick pleasure of murdering her, my only parent, my only relative.  She'd just killed her last victim, and the corpse lay ominously on the ground for nobody's sake.

"I'm so happy to be killed by you," she murmured faintly, smiling.

I fabricated slight astonishment at her statement and didn't bother to hide my amusement.  She thought, she'd tricked herself, into believing that I was completely oblivious to her feelings for me.  I laughed to myself.  "Really…?" I replied in fake surprise.

"Yes," she whispered.  "There is nothing that comes with more happiness… than being able to be killed by the one you love…"  She seemed content.

_The one you love the _most_, you mean_, I thought, allowing myself a tiny smirk.  "Do you love me?" I asked, already knowing the blatant answer in the depths of my cold heart.

"I love you… the most," she said finally, looking at me with a pained expression on her face.  Her long, silky black hair fell into her eyes.  _Of course you do… dearest mother…_

With that longing and sad expression on her immaculate face, I would have embraced her and told her everything was fine… if I was that hopelessly unaware nine-year-old again.  But I wasn't, so I laughed silently to myself and answered obediently in a small, curt voice, "I love you too, _mother_."

She looked pained and said that I did not love her the _most_.  _Of course… I don't love _anybody_ the most._  Suddenly, after an expectant pause, she demanded for me to kill her.  Smiling, I agreed and promptly stabbed her in the chest, seeming perfectly content.

Mother forced herself to choke out more words.  "Now _you_… are the Sakurazukamori.  And the next one shall be the one who kills _you_…" she said, almost in an amused voice, or so I gathered it to be.

I was amused too.  "So I shall be killed as well?" I asked, smiling doubtfully.  I kissed her hand as she said, "Yes… by the one _you_ love… the _most_…"  I smirked at her… a naïve woman.  I pretended to be politely unknowing again, saying how as the past Sakurazukamori she should have realized that she—and I—didn't, _shouldn't_ have the power to feel emotions.  Secretly, I thought, _But you seem to be an exception, eh, mother…?_

Finally, in her last moments, she breathed lightly and gave an obvious smile.  Her eyes closed as she whispered, "Before, I had thought so too… before I met… _you_…"

As she slowly withered away, she muttered, "Sayonara… _Seishirou…_"

Slightly entertained once more by my own mother's last words, I reached down and kissed her softly on her lips, fulfilling her last wishes… to be shown some sort of true affection from me, the sort of affection I didn't have to fake.  And I did give her what she wanted… for I'd wanted to kiss her, even as I first lay my small gold eyes on her when I was just an impressionable child…

_…because… she was beautiful…._

* * *

"My mother… once told me that… the most beautiful thing in the world… is to be killed by the one you love… the most…" I said after explaining Hokuto's spell, looking up at my killer.  Sumeragi Subaru's eyes were immersed in gentle, glistening tears, and these teardrops gently fell onto my face.  I smiled to myself as I tasted the salt from Subaru's tears.  Subaru sobbed as I began to die, as my mother had, as his sister had.  I could almost feel, sense, _know_ Subaru's thoughts.  _"But do you love me the most?  Do you love me at all?"  Poor, naïve Subaru… maybe you'll never know…_

"After you killed my sister… I tried to erase you from my life… I…" Subaru cried, wailing over my slowly departing body.  He continued, saying about how he wanted to forget about me, but he couldn't… that he was still in love with me…

I finally realized something, that feeling I'd never had before.  My mother was right… I'd doubted her all those years since her death… for I _had_ learned to love somebody… love somebody the _most_…  So I smiled, lifting my head weakly and hating, despising myself for not understanding earlier…  "You truly are… a kind person," I said softly.  Subaru looked surprised.  I continued, forcing myself to elevate my head to Subaru's ear.  Slowly, I whispered, "And I…"

Subaru's eyes widened in astonishment and almost alarm as he heard the words that followed.  "…you…" I finished, smiling and finally dying… away, away from this world… and I heard Subaru whisper in a forced, pained voice as I was leaving… "Y-you never say the things I expect you to say, do you?" he choked, hugging my body…

_…Mother… you were… right…_

- - - - -

** M O T H E R _ A N D _ S O N + E N D **


End file.
